When I Look in the Mirror, I See a Child

I’m feeling like a walking pharmacy.  I knew it was going to start getting to me because when I first started this whole medication management for my Bipolar, I had a fabulous shrink whom said that in his opinion I was taking too many pills, not too much medication but too many pills and sooner or later this was going to pop my bubble and bring me down.  And to think back then I wasn’t taking medication 3 times a day and I was taking half the amount of pills.  Remembering my second dose (afternoon) is starting to give me a damn headache, I’m not good with set schedules for anything and I mean anything.  We don’t have a set schedule of when to eat, or shower, and obviously not a set schedule on cleaning and running the house.  It just seems like more work and maybe that’s because I’m not a clock watcher, the only time I watch the clock is when it’s 7:30pm and bedtime is going to be 8pm (for the kids not me!) but that’s during the school year and since it’s summer we don’t really follow the 8pm routine bedtime, it’s not even dark out at that time and fireflies are just beginning to want to be caught.  So some nights it’s 9pm or 10pm for bed and some nights it’s 8pm, depends on how tired or cranky everyone I seem to be.  But anyway back when I was seeing that fabulous shrink, he made it so I was taking any less medication but less pills, unfortunately now though I have to go with cheaper medication, older medication which means taking more pills because that’s the way it was made 20 years ago.  So I’m taking a total of 10 pills a day it’s suppose to be 13 but I don’t take my Cogentin unless I really need it, looking it up said it can have an addictive quality and that’s something I definately don’t need is an addiction to pills.  Having an addiction to everything else is enough for me, I don’t need another tiring, time consuming addiction.

Not to mention that I realized that I am totally dependent on my hubby financially.  I’m pretty burnt out about the job searching and I’ve applied to everything I can and even to things I shouldn’t have.  I don’t like to be dependent on anyone, it makes me feel like a child.  I wouldn’t beable to get myself to work anyway since I don’t drive.  So pretty much and excuse my language here, I’m fucked.  How did I go from a self supported woman to a dependent on a man woman?  When did this happen? and Why the hell am I bothered about now?  I’m 34 years old and essentially a damn child.

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3 thoughts on “When I Look in the Mirror, I See a Child

  1. So your feeling a little bit like a Walking Pharmacy, hmm, is that sorta like a Drive Through Pharmacy Pedestrian Style?

    (The Drive Through)

    Yes, hello, I’ll have a bottle of Ativan, a large order of Marinol, with extra Twinkies, and large Coke to go please. Thank you.


    Schedules ewh!

    I don’t do those either.

    My schedule may very well be the most off schedule, schedule there is on the planet.

    And are you sure your headaches are being caused by your medication? (just wondering)

    I’m asking, because lately I’ve been getting some headaches too, and then I discovered they were being caused by those E-ViLe hay fever thingies floating around outside that somehow make their way inside through the cooler.

    And so I thought I’d mention that, just incase that might be what is giving you your headaches too.

    I picked up some allergy caps and saline spray WallyWorld, and they made those E-ViLe headaches go away, kool.

    I hope you get to feelin better soon.

  2. Yes it’s just like that except I don’t get the good meds well the addictive meds, I just get the ones that make you feel like hell from side effects and when you go off them the withdrawal is even more hellish.
    Off schedule schedule, that’s exactly how you describe me!

    I’m pretty sure that the meds are causing the headaches, I didn’t start getting any of these systems until I started the meds but you’re right it could be a coinsidence since I started them during allergy season.
    I’m sure I’ll start feeling better oh right around Sunday, when my daughter gets home!

  3. You rock, lady … keep doing your stuff. I’m really sorry for the pills … i hope the side effects aren’t too cruddy. I’m not sure about your meds … i know some can make you feel less than “well”. You seem much wiser than 34. Suffering is a great educator. Peace, mel

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