A Cup of Joe & Fear

I didn’t sleep last night, well I did but only at 2 hour intervals.  I have a doctors appointment today with Dr. SoandSo and I wonder how much I am inclined to tell him.  I’m always afraid that I will say one ‘wrong’ thing to any doctor and they will pick up the phone, say something into the phone and off I will go in the white jacket to some state run scary ass bars on the windows hospital.  Strange how scared I get when thinking of being locked up with no way out but yet I have pretty much jailed myself into my own home.  Maybe it’s the thought of not having the key to getting out.  And then there are other times when I crave for someone to lock me up, to control my every move because I know I have no control over my own emotions, brain or body.  Strange how insane Bipolar can make you at times, kind of like Alcoholism.

I think my nervousness stems from knowing now that I am Bipolar, I am just like my mother.  I remember being scared of my mother and worrying what she would do next.  My mother tried to committ suicide a total…wait for it…13 times.  From the time I was 8 until 16, I can not remember a time where the knives shouldn’t be hidden.  My Dad did the best he could but he was definately no June Cleaver or any resembulance of her so chores pretty much were passed down to me and there were times that I had to make my own dinner.  Back then I remember thinking why can’t they just ‘heal’ her, make her better.  I didn’t even understand her or what she had.  In my own mind they should be able to operate on her and take out that part that’s ruining her, take out the part that was sick.  I think my Dad in his own way thought the same thing, Just cure her damn it!  I didn’t understand how they could take cancer out of her body, make her better again but they couldn’t make this strange and scary part of her go away, they weren’t taking it out and every year it seemed to get worst, it seemed to swallow her up.

I’m scared this “thing” that I have will swallow me up, just like it did her.  My biggest fear in life wasn’t heights, or the boogie man, or snakes but it was to be like my mother.  My biggest fear is well on it’s way to ruin my life.  I have to deal with my biggest fear everyday of my life now.  Maybe that’s what makes this whole thing exhausting, troublesome, a living nightmare.  I need my control back, I need to not know that I am Bipolar, I need my life to be the way it was 8 years ago, 4 years ago.  I need to not pass this down to my children, I need to figure out how to take it out of me.  But alas, I think I am stuck with it now.

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2 thoughts on “A Cup of Joe & Fear

  1. Hi Bats0711,

    I don’t blame you one bit for not trusting doctors and being concerned about what you say to them, and feeling that they might try and have the guys in the white coats come and take you away to an undisclosed location where everyone thinks their either Mr. Rodgers, Jesus, or Crazy Horse.

    While it maybe true, that we have to deal with stuff that many others do not, I still think that those at the top of the politically corrupt chain of command are far crazier than we will ever be.

    Your last line was, “But alas, I think I am stuck with it now.”

    I kinda feel like that too a lot of the time.

    Thoughts like, “Is this ever going to change and get better?”

    And then I remember that movie with Uncle Jack Nicholson where he’s in the waiting room with other patients waiting to see their psychiatrist, and Jack looks at the other people and says, “Maybe this is as good as it gets.” That was also the title of the movie.

    When you go to your doctor,

    Please do not,

    Let him, or her give you the new A/H1N1 vaccine.

    I hear that The New World Order is going to try and wipe a lot of us out with that vaccine. They want to reduce the world’s population by 90%.

    Best of luck to ya. And I hope this week becomes a happier one for you.

  2. Well thank you and I do feel a bit better and I’m hoping that means that the side effects won’t last much longer. Yesterday while standing at my kitchen sink and taking my meds, I thought that at this point I am feeling like a walking pharmacy. I think taking all these meds is starting to make me feel ‘insane’ if that makes sense. I take so many pills, there just has to be a better way out there that can help people with mental illness but I’m not sure what it is and as long as I can feel sane, I’ll walk the walk and talk the talk.
    I don’t do vaccines for myself, I also wouldn’t get my children the so called must have vaccines for them but if I don’t they aren’t allowed to attend school. My father reminded me of back in the 70’s I believe it was that he was told at the company he worked for ‘to either get the swine flu’ vaccine or look for employment else where. He never took the vaccine and also never had to find another job because of all the complications with the vaccine. Vaccines can more powerful then we all like to think of them as.
    I hope it all does get better and change for both of us. 🙂

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