SO I receive an email from a friend, well a friend trying to be the best friend that I allow into my life and this email is trying to discuss with me the basis of why I feel overwhelmed, why I am getting nothing accomplished and of course in this email, there isn’t one thread of the fact that I have bipolar or am alcoholic. I’m overwhelmed, this email is telling me because I need a schedule, I need a routine, I need to care more about this house, about my kids, my husband and myself. I need to quit procrastinating. Write out just what needs to be done and make a schedule for the family and STICK TO IT. There isn’t one thread of evidence there that I have done this all before and I do try to stick to it but quite honestly, it’s an impossible task when one’s mind is either going too fast or too slow. So I do what the email suggests and I grab a pen, a piece of paper and get excited about this, excited that this time it will work, it must because she says it’s going to. I start jotting down rooms and activities, plans and must haves. Soon I realize I need to stop to get the laundry and it’s time to figure out what to make for dinner, and when I get up from the table I look around at the mess, the clutter I just made, stickies here and there, lists, calendars and my mind slows to a complete halt. “Jeesh, I have to make a routine out of that?” So I go back to the writing chair and start making piles, start trying to organize the ‘routine’ and I realize I haven’t done anything except make chaos out of order. I sigh and take one piece of paper and jot down quickly all the rooms in the house. I’ll start with that, yes! and place one room on a day, on a calendar. I find there’s more rooms than I have days in the week, so I start figuring out which rooms could go with which and do two or three….”Damn it all! Who the hell decided to buy this damn house? I can’t possibly do this alone.” Then I realize it was ME, who decided on buying this damn house. Of course that was back when being Bipolar and an alcoholic was still fun, still lively and still wasn’t known like it is now. That was back when the highs were great and the lows happened only when I didn’t drink. That was back when I could do it all. So now I have a table full of projects, must dos, and a raining schedule of rooms.
I am humbled by Bipolar Disorder.