” Our serious problem is self-centeredness. “ The Little Red Book pg. 97, Paragraph 1.
I have a problem with this statement, well I don’t have a problem with the whole statement, just the fact that I am considered self-centered. Yes, I have drank. Yes, I have put my children in harms way for alcohol and let me clarify that, I have gotten so drunk that I have passed out which would mean that most likely if someone broke in or a fire would’ve started then I wouldn’t be prepared for it, I have lost control. But I don’t consider myself self-centered. Everyday I put everyone before myself. Small examples would include: I’m not a morning person so coffee is definately my friend but in the morning I make sure the kids breakfast is going before I can sit down and enjoy a cup of java. If there is only one scoop of ice cream left and my husband wants it, I let him have it. If my husband comes to me at 11pm and tells me he needs work clothes washed even though I am ready to get into bed with a good book, then I put off what I want to do and stay up to wash them. I’d give my last dollar to someone in need. The point is I do for others before myself but yet the 12 Steps teach us that we are self-centered and we must seek out help for it through the Steps. I wonder when I will not be considered self-centered, I wonder what I have to do for others to look at me and think that I am a good Mom, I wonder when I won’t be considered ‘sick’ because I am alcohol. I don’t have a problem with Acceptance that I have a life-threatening problem, or that alcohol causes me to live in a world of insanity, or even the fact that I need to ask a Higher Power to help humble me but I just don’t like being called self-centered, selfish. Okay maybe towards alcohol I am. Meaning that if there are only 3 beers left, they are mine and if you drink one it may send me into an emotional outburst but in everyday life experiences, I’m not self-centered. I care deeply for everyone else and put myself on the backburner. Sometimes I don’t find the meaning in beating myself up to heal from being an alcoholic. Sometimes I think this is all to damn hard to deal with and today would be one of those days.