Self-Centered

” Our serious problem is self-centeredness. “ The Little Red Book  pg. 97, Paragraph 1.

I have a problem with this statement, well I don’t have a problem with the whole statement, just the fact that I am considered self-centered.  Yes, I have drank.  Yes, I have put my children in harms way for alcohol and let me clarify that, I have gotten so drunk that I have passed out which would mean that most likely if someone broke in or a fire would’ve started then I wouldn’t be prepared for it, I have lost control.  But I don’t consider myself self-centered.  Everyday I put everyone before myself.  Small examples would include:  I’m not a morning person so coffee is definately my friend but in the morning I make sure the kids breakfast is going before I can sit down and enjoy a cup of java.  If there is only one scoop of ice cream left and my husband wants it, I let him have it.  If my husband comes to me at 11pm and tells me he needs work clothes washed even though I am ready to get into bed with a good book, then I put off what I want to do and stay up to wash them.  I’d give my last dollar to someone in need.  The point is I do for others before myself but yet the 12 Steps teach us that we are self-centered and we must seek out help for it through the Steps.  I wonder when I will not be considered self-centered, I wonder what I have to do for others to look at me and think that I am a good Mom, I wonder when I won’t be considered ‘sick’ because I am alcohol.  I don’t have a problem with Acceptance that I have a life-threatening problem, or that alcohol causes me to live in a world of insanity, or even the fact that I need to ask a Higher Power to help humble me but I just don’t like being called self-centered, selfish.  Okay maybe towards alcohol I am.   Meaning that if there are only 3 beers left, they are mine and if you drink one  it may send me into an emotional outburst but in everyday life experiences, I’m not self-centered.  I care deeply for everyone else and put myself on the backburner.  Sometimes I don’t find the meaning in beating myself up to heal from being an alcoholic.  Sometimes I think this is all to damn hard to deal with and today would be one of those days.

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3 thoughts on “Self-Centered

  1. My interpretation of self-centeredness as it relates to alcoholism is this. Selfish is different. I am not particularly selfish but am self-centered in that when I was drinking alcoholically the drink came before anything – I had to drink in order to survive in a world that was intolerably uncomfortable. I do understand the confusion of the use of the two words – my many years in the AA program of recovery have made this clearer to me.

  2. There’s a story about a woman who complained to her kids about the “sacrifice” she had made for them when she chose to buy them new shoes instead of buying herself a new hat. The problem with her logic is that, by her reasoning, a “sacrifice” means giving up something you want for something you don’t. This, of course, would imply that her new hat means more to her than getting new shoes for her kids.

    The key, I think, is discovering what is in my own rational self-interest, and to then act accordingly. I may not develop a huge fan base this way, but at least I’ll have my self-esteem. Besides, who needs “fans” who’ll let you bleed yourself dry for their benefit?

    Of course, living up to high ideals like these is a whole ‘nother matter… 😐

  3. @Sally, I definately see your point and the logic in what you are saying, I was incredibly self-centered when it came to my drinking. I guess this kind of goes along with insanity.

    and @ Mak
    again the insanity of it all clouds my mind, I sure am not in a rational mind set.

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