June 18th, THE Doctor’s Appointment

Bats:  I’m here to see Dr. SoandSo for a 12:30.

Receptionist:  Hi nice to see you, please fill out ALL of this, bring it back here and then Dr. SoandSo will see you.

Bats:  Okay.

In the paperwork is just all the normal mumbo jumbo, including the dreaded form to sign that says that if the insurance coverage doesn’t pay them all of the money then I’ll get billed.  I sighed…then read it about 5 times.  There was no way out, I had to sign it if I wanted relief, if I wanted to see Dr. SoandSo and get my much needed relief.  Then of course the off the wall paperwork…the survey that asks you between 1 and 5 how much do you want to die, none.  I don’t want to, that’s why I’m here.  Between 1 and 5 how are the relationships in your life, 5 being great and 1 being needing so much improvement that divorce is inevitable.  I chose a solid 3.  HA!  I did my duty though, filled out ALL of the paperwork, then paced around this small in need of many improvements office.  All the while thinking about how the windows need to be replaced, will he ever call me back, the carpet could use a little cleaning, what is that crap in the corner, will he ever call me back, they need better magazines, I should’ve brought my book, they’re eating chinese food for lunch, I could go for some chinese food, how do you make peking duck…I know I shouldn’t beable to remember all of those thoughts but when I am in a major manic mode and haven’t slept for over 2 days, I tend to concentrate only on the thoughts and tend to remember the majority of them.

Dr. SoandSo:  Hi It’s nice to see you, how are you, please come back.

Bats:  I’m good, okay.

Dr. SoandSo:  Good?  Are you sure?  That’s not what it says here.

Bats:  I know.  It’s just how I have trained myself to respond to that question.  Everyone asks how you are but no one really cares, it’s just mumbo jumbo talk to fill the space.  No I am not good, would you like the other side of the story.

Dr. SoandSo:  Not yet, but I can imagine but what you have included in this survey.

Bats:  Oh, it’s called a survey?!  Did you know you have no fish in your tank?

Dr. SoandSo:  Yes, I did know that.  Tell me about when you were diagnosed Bipolar.

Bats:  I never said I was diagnosed Bipolar, I just filled out your survey.

Dr. SoandSo:  I can tell you are Bipolar.  What are you taking currently for it?  How are you managing?

Bats:  I’m not managing at all.  I’m not taking anything for it at all.  We just got back this expensive as hell insurance and well quite frankly I can’t afford any of this.  I was taking Seroquel, Lamictal, Atarax.

Dr. SoandSo:  Did those work before you stopped taking them?

Bats:  Sigh…ABSOLUTELY, we can no longer afford those though, what can you do medicine wise for us financially?  Or am I going to have to learn to live this way until I can get a job and my husband can make more money?  I can’t live this way, it’s nerve racking, it’s insanity and it’s no longer fun.

Dr. SoandSo:  Don’t worry, I’m going to do all I can to stop this train for you, okay?

Sigh…oh thank god and thankfully I hadn’t burst out laughing from his mushroom haircut.  He prescribed me 4 medications and unfortunately some are so old that all the pharmacies around here don’t stock them so I’m waiting on the cheapest place to get them in.  The medications are; tegretol (carbamazepine), atarax (hydroxyz), trilafon (perphenazine), and cogentin (benztropine).  All of them have to be taken 3 times a day and I don’t want to even think of the side effects of any of them.  I will say my drinking days are definately over, I can not in any shape or form drink while taking tegretol.  I think that’s suppose to be a good thing and maybe a purposeful thing on his part.  I should mention that he wanted me to take Lithium but I refused because my mother takes that and has for 22 years and I have watched her progress into basically an insane invalid.  he didn’t push the subject and said we’d work around anything I was uncomfortable with.  He also didn’t push the subject of me not driving because of panic, that’s a huge relief because everyone I know except my Dad and now him thinks I should just get over it.  Well I’m not able to YET, damn it.

So that’s pretty much it, I’m just waiting for the pharmacy to get me my drugs so I can see if this train will stop before it wrecks.

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8 thoughts on “June 18th, THE Doctor’s Appointment

  1. Thanks for a great post!

    Man, oh man how I feel you here. I have only the major depression diagnosis, but I’ve often thought that what I experience is more like bipolar with a very long waveform shifted mostly towards the negative.

    You know, I don’t think I’ve ever talked much about doctor visits and meds on my blog, but I’ve tried to show what it feels like when the bottom drops out. An example would be:

    Singing The Blues

  2. Oh man, when the bottom drops out….that’s exactly how it is for me when the high stops and the depression starts. You know Bipolar used to be fun for me…I’d get those highs and be on top of the world and then of course I’d drink through the lows so I wouldn’t have to know exactly how low I was or was going. I was diagnosed with major depression way back when, when I was 15 years old and nobody even cared to look at the highs I was going through, everyone thought that part of me was normal. HA!

  3. I think that everyone always worried that something was “wrong” with me, and not in a nice “medical” sense either. But then they were all frighteningly weird to me as well so I tried to do ask suggested: “get over it.”

    But how do you get over being trapped in a global nuthouse? 🙄

  4. Box yourself in? An underground shelter, maybe? 😉 I’ve found that the more I try to get over something, the worst it gets. I’ve also found the majority of those telling me to get over it, has something to get over themselves. I’ve also found those that I think are normal, are pretty much as insane as myself.

  5. I’m practically a hermit now. Except for groceries, doctors, the rare and stress-filled “self-med” run, and taking out the garbage, I haven’t been outside my apartment in a very long time. 😐

    Being surrounded by people who think that being irrational is “normal” is the very definition of “being trapped in a global nuthouse.” 8-0

    I want ice water.

    • I wonder how many people are considered hermits? Pretty much I don’t leave my house except for the necessities just like you described above. I get a lot of “don’t you think your kids are missing out on a lot things?! Ummmmmm yes but but but…and panic attacks are not an excuse, I must endure hell because I am a parent.

  6. You just described my former marriage and family life. It was a constant battle between my urge to stay inside and hide, and my to play an active role in my family. I fought this battle for 29 years before my illness and the damage done by my “self-help” efforts finally drove us apart.

    As far the the “hermit” count is concerned, the number of people with and without homes who are either “working wounded” or “unemployable” (like myself) has grown exponentially in recent years. I personally think that the stress of modern life has exposed how poorly we have prepared ourselves for dealing with serious issues, and we are experiencing an “epidemic” of mental illnesses as a result.

    And as I can, and perhaps you can, testify to, we are also experiencing “epidemic” level usage of alcohol and drug. 8-o

  7. That damn gravitation pull to feel safe and comfortable.
    As a matter of fact I recently signed up with distant learning classes to become an alcoholism counselor and one of the statistics I found while researching was that by 2010 the need for help in the field will have gone up 24%, that’s definately ‘epidemic’ in my opinion. I don’t know if it’s because more people are being drawn towards addiction or alcoholism OR if it’s because more people are realizing they need help. As far as mental illness, I really hope more people are choosing to get help earlier on and that’s why there is a huge jump, instead of waiting until their lives are so unmanageable that they want out of life.

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