OH Look a Bug!

I haven’t slept all night.  I went up to bed about 11pm, took some tylenol pm because I knew I was going to have a hard time falling asleep but had no clue that it was going to be as bad as it was.  2am rolled around and I was so frustrated and my mind started thinking. among a hundred other things, about how I knew my hubby has vodka in the shed hidden from me somewhere.  I fought that off though since I knew that it wasn’t going to help, only hurt really.  Then 4 o’clock rolled around and I was pretty much done with tossing and turning, hoping to fall asleep, wishing for my mind to stop taunting my body.  I finally decided at 6 that it was enough, not to even try anymore.  So I’m exhausted but my mind doesn’t know that, it seems my mind doesn’t know that it needs sleep to keep working.  I’m not looking forward to the crash from this manic episode, I’m sure this one is going to be a full blown manic episode which is going to mean the low side is going to be just as extreme.

On to other news, my inlaws decided that in July that are going to take the kids for a couple days, then drop our son back off and take our daughter down to cheer camp in SC, then bring her back.  This would be great news and are you ready for this EXCEPT (I can’t believe I just said that) my mind immediately started thinking that if no kids are around that means I’m only responsible for myself really and THAT means I can drink and not have panic, anxiety and worry about anything happening to them.  How sad, huh?  I sware my alcoholic side is gross and demeaning.  So instead of looking forward to this alone time, I’m dreading it.  Ridiculous huh?

SO today I’ve decided to take the day as it comes at me.  I’ve got planned cleaning up my daughters room, my room and maybe tackling a bit of the office but we’ll see on that one.  I’m never going to be ready for my inlaws to show up on friday but I just don’t want to push myself anywhere near a psychosis, I just can not afford to be hospitalized again.  I have to atleast pretend to be sane until my appointment on the 18th.

Is it the 18th yet?

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