The Fuzz is Fading a Bit

It seems that I have somewhat come out of my horrid maniacal depression.  Yesterday I was coherent and was able to actually get a couple things done, even had to talk with my inlaws on the phone.  Friday night was a bit scary and I’m hoping that I don’t slip back to that state anytime soon, just trying to hang in there until I can go to the doctors on the 18th.  Saturday morning my hubby asks me “what’s wrong, hangover?”  so I reply that I don’t have one but the day/night before was very long for me and he asks me “what could possibly have been so long about it?”  Well dear at this point life is seeming pointless to me and I am just not worthy, broke down crying, sobbing and just couldn’t take anymore.  I’m trying to take of 4 people, the house, and the bills oh and plus the dog and fish…that’s what’s so fucking long about my days dear!  But anyway I don’t want to harp on it, my inlaws are coming friday and since they have purchased a new car they’ll be getting in 2 weeks they want my hubby to have one of their old cars.  This is great since the Jeep is on it’s last legs being 10 years old with over 200 thousand miles on it and when it breaks down we have no transportation which we don’t like, grocery store and other things have to be done.  So we shall see what the details of all of this will be on friday and then in two weeks they’ll bring it up to us.  I so hope I am coherent to understand everything on friday, I just need to pull off sanity in front of them and beable to handle the insurance questions and any other details with them.  We shall see though.

Oh one update, on the GAP Claim.  They suck!  They are willing to pay only half of the remaining balance on the car.  I still need to talk with them about it though and am hoping I can get them to pay the rest because I just don’t have $2000 at this point.  I will never get GAP coverage through a dealership again!  I’ve spent more time and energy on trying to get them to pay out anything than they are paying into this car.  Looking the company up online it seems I’m not the only one though, somehow that’s not a comfort.

Another update, I haven’t dranken this weekend and don’t plan on it today either.  I just can’t handle how it’s helping my bipolar kill me.  I’m not happy about having to drink less coffee either but that’s a whole other issue.  It’s strange but I just feel so out of control and unsafe if I drink and I don’t like that feeling.  I was drinking to feel ‘normal’ but now it’s making me feel even more abnormal and causing panic and anxiety.  Before it would only cause that after I had a night or day of drinking but now it’s while I’m drinking also.  I just feel like I can’t find any comfort, anywhere.  But I’m hanging in there and hopefully the 18th will bring me with a new compassionate doctor whom can help me get back to living my life again, instead of only existing.

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