Dead Weight

Want to know how you can go from being super Mom to a worthless piece of crap in a blink of an eye?  Become bipolar and you have your answer.  I can remember having the energy of a super hero not but a year ago and now I just don’t have the energy to even move.  I’ve been thinking today about how I was so damn manic last week and now although my brain won’t quit and the humming is even louder, I just don’t want to move.  I mean it takes all my strength just to do the dishes and pretty much I’m done for after that.  I want to do the crafts, I want to bake, I want to run, jump and play but I’m just a lump right now.  I just want to be left alone.  No actually I just want someone to take care of me for once.  I need to be taken care of right now but my hubby feels what I am going through is just an excuse, I’m being lazy.  Believe me, if I could get out of bed in the morning and be ‘normal’ I would!  I sure as hell would.  I want to be ‘normal’.  I want to not feel this pain day in and day out.  At this point I’m pretty much sure that for the rest of my life, I’m going to feel extreme unforgiving pain and that so is not how I want to live.  I can’t live this way in front of my children, I don’t want them to see their Mom like this but I don’t know how to make it go away, I don’t know what to do.  I’m not sure if I can wait for the 18th for my appointment.  Of course I go to bed every night hoping that I will wake up and this episode will be over,  my hope is fading though.  I’m afraid that if I end up in the hospital again, my hubby won’t be there when I get released this time around and of course that brings on major panic of what I would do, where I would go and what would I do without my children.  They are the only reason I do get out of bed now, without them…sigh, I don’t know what would happen to me.  I know they would be okay and right now I’m thinking they would probably be much happier without me, I just feel like dead weight in everyone’s life.  I feel like insanity at this point.  When you think of madness you think of anger but when I think of madness I think of me.

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