A storm is rolling in and I feel it’s symbolic to me, my moods. One minute I’m okay, on top of the world, shining bright then the next, I’m thundering, I’m furious. I’m furious for no reason other than the fact that I can’t figure out what is wrong, why I feel what I do. I’m furious that I can’t control my thinking any longer. I’m furious that drinking is the only way I can find to eleviate my running thoughts. Where the hell are they going? Why was I given this? Why must I give in to my addictions? I’m furious at myself, for everything.
I feel awful for who I am. I feel awful that I have become a mother and I am probably passing to them what I have to go through, not only through genetics but also because of enviromental issues. What kind of mother can I possibly be if I am just like my mother? I can remember being 12 and my mother trying repeatedly to kill herself. I know that I have never physically hurt myself but if I am drinking, aren’t I currently trying to kill myself? I don’t understand why I need to self medicate. I don’t understand why I can’t learn something, anything to help me with this vicious cycle I’ve been putting myself through for so many years.
Obviously currently in a major pity party. I did decide today that I just can not keep going on like this, I feel like I’m going crazy. The anxiety, panic and horrible thoughts have become my life again and I’m afraid I’ll end up in the hospital again so I made an appointment that well I can’t afford financially but I figure I’ll deal with it as it comes. So it’s set up for June the 18th. Hopefully soon, I’ll have relief because I just don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I am afraid.