And I Pace

I’m up, I’m down but one thing is for sure I’m no where in between.  Of course the ups are fabulous, I’m on top of the world but the downs are so damn low that it’s hard to keep my head from toppling over or even put one foot in front of the other.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  The only time I feel half okay or ‘normal’ is when I drink but since I’m an alcoholic and I over do it instead of sticking with that perfect amount that makes my brain stop humming or makes me seem somewhat happy, then it only makes it worst in the long run so that’s pretty much out.  The whole getting up each day, planning it and sticking to the plan isn’t working either.  And now there’s panic and anxiety of what if my hubby can’t handle me like this?  What if he tells me he’s had enough and he can’t take it anymore?  What if he tells me to get out?  Where the hell would I go?  What would I do?  So I pace and try to plan it all but somewhere my mind runs amok, switches pace and I’m so exhausted.  And then of course about an hour or two later it all just starts again.  There is no common ground in my mind, none.  It’s like my left brain and right brain constantly fight, play tug o’ war and my body is the prize, so to speak.  I don’t know, there has to be somehow, someway to live life like this.  I just haven’t figured it out, matter of fact, I haven’t the foggiest idea of how I am going to continue on like this for the rest of my life.  I have to go pace and try to figure out how to live like this for the rest of my life.

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