It’s Friday! & I’m Defective

It’s Friday and already my alcoholic brain is thinking up ways to get engrossed in what it shouldn’t.  I keep trying to ward of the thoughts so they won’t turn into actions by repeating to myself  “I have a life-threatening problem’, of course myself doesn’t really care how life-threatening it is; my heart does but the logical part of me could care less.  So I need to make up a plan and STICK TO IT.  I’ll have to ponder on it for sometime and draw one up.  Tonight is hubby’s poker night, I think unless they switched it to Saturday because everyone has to get up tomorrow morning for work but if it is poker night that means I don’t have to be worried about him and his looks so that poses a problem.  I think I’m just not going to leave the house today because if I don’t leave then I can’t get alcohol because as far as I know, we have none here.

I’m on the fence about AA meetings and AA as a whole.  I’ve done so much looking, reading and doing in the past 8 years with AA and so much of it just isn’t for me but yet there is no other option when it comes to f2f support for alcoholics around here, AA is it around here.  Let me explain a bit, I hate walking into a meeting and watching the 13th steppers, I feel like screaming out at them “Leave her alone!”  Jeesh they are like vultures to the newcomer and of course the newcomer needs something and they know that so it’s easy prey for them.  Then there is the ‘spiritual sickness’ part of it.  Just because I have a thought about someone else that seems like judgement or negativity doesn’t mean that I’m sick, doesn’t mean that I need to drop down on my knees and pray for whatever to take all my sins away from me and make me humble.  Am I sick in the sense that I have no control over my appetite for alcohol if I take the first drink?  Absolutely!  Am I sick because I thought to myself “what an asshole,” about the guy in the grocery store parking lot calling his daughter, whom obviously had cancer of some kind, stupid?  I think not!  He was/is an asshole and personally I think he deserved much worst than being thought of as an asshole.  But in the AA way, that’s judgement even if it was just a passing thought only taking up one second of my life.  Do I believe that when alcohol is in play in my life, insanity takes over?  Absolutely!  Do I believe I need that by praying for god to take this character defect out of my life and me, is going to restore me to sanity?  No, I’m sorry I don’t.  I also don’t like the words “Character Defect”.  I’m not defective damn it, I’m a person and I am what I am but to be thought of as a defect kind of brings me to not even wanting to exist.  It kind of brings me down even lower than I want to go at the moment.  Do I think AA meetings are a great tool to stay sober for atleast an hour?  Yes.  Almost anything is better for an hour than drinking yourself to death.  I don’t know, I think I need to pull my Big Book out and the loads of other AA material I have and look it over today, tonight.  I’m sure after I read and think more about it, I’ll either be able to explain myself better or exhaust myself trying.

I’m going to do laundry and think of pretty little ponies or something, maybe pixies, maybe dream of a clean house for once.  I’m off to do anything except drink.  Happy Friday!

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