I’m a bit melancholy tonight. Actually I’m not sure what I feel or why I feel it. I found out yesterday by actually checking my myspace account that my ex is having a son and getting married. We haven’t actually seen nor talked with each other in a long time. Jealousy doesn’t really describe it, pissy maybe. See, we had a son almost 15 years ago and he hasn’t seen him in 14 of those or has even tried to have anything to do with him. I don’t care that he’s getting married or even having another child since he has had other children since with other women but I mean come on! Quit having children with women you are ‘going’ to marry, ever heard of a condom? I really hope he marries this girl and does right by this son, this child. No there is no child support involved with any of these children because well, he doesn’t have any money. I’m not really sure what I feel, what I want to feel, or if I should even feel.
I couldn’t even imagine my husband not wanting to see his kids, talk with them or experience life with them. I know that no matter what happens between us, he is the best father to our children and always will be. I couldn’t imagine our children growing up without him by their sides. I think my hubby would be lost without them in his life. I guess NOW I’m feeling really lucky and so happy my children have him and his influence in their lives.
All of these thoughts also bring about feelings and memories I have of/for my Dad. My Dad is and always will be my hero. He’s the one that taught me to be the woman that I am and to always honor myself and my children before anything else. He’s a big reason I am a stay at home Mom right now and have been for over 8 years. Although I am looking and searching for jobs because of financial reasons, I think my kids are grown to the point that them being looked over by Mom all the time gets trying for them and to explore outside the realm of Momhood is a fabulous thing.
My earliest memory of my Dad, my Father is of me 2 years old and him working until late at night (although now much older I am sure it was actually ‘drinking at a bar’ but shhhhhh he doesn’t need to know I know) and him coming home me climbing up into his lap and him reading to me out of my favorite book of all time, Charlotte’s Web. Him reading and me very much in awe of him, he always made every page of that book exciting and fabulous for me. Then there was a time when I was 8 and I remember him having me climb up on his feet and he was trying to teach me to dance but I just kept giggling and falling off. I laugh thinking about it now. I remember being 17 and moving out, my Dad coming to see me every week on Wednesday just to talk and ask how I was and tell me how proud he was of me even though I had quit school and went to work instead. I remember having my first son, the son with my ex and giving him my Dad’s name as his middle name and the tears of joy my Dad had of being a Grandpa. He’s actually now referred to as Pop’s which is a whole other story, short one so let me go ahead. See when I was little my brothers and I discovered that is you called my Dad Pop’s he would get annoyed so we of course would do it. Boy was it annoying to him and made him feel old but now everyone of my kids calls him Pop’s and he loves it! That’s who he is, to them. To me he is a super hero, he’s my Father, my friend, my best confidante, my DAD. There’s no one else on Earth that I can sit on the phone with and talk for two straight hours with. What we are talking about is everything under the sun and sometimes hanging up is hard for us.
My Dad’s health isn’t good, he’s dying. He has heart disease, diabetes and we just found out that his liver and kidney’s are going. He’s 62. I treasure every memory of him and love him with all my heart and soul. I will miss him profoundly and know that a void will enter my life that I won’t beable to fill.
I wonder if my ex tries to fill the void of our son, instead of just trying to be there. I’m afraid that it is most likely too late for him to try. Sometimes I guess Father’s aren’t meant for all of us.