I’ve wanted to write but haven’t been able to. Chores, chores and more chores, plus my hubby had from Friday until Monday off which meant he added to the long list of chores. On a positive note, we fixed the fence which was badly dilapidated and termite eaten, we just gave it a quick fix though and made it look like we fixed it up. That fence is going to be huge job and most likely paying out to have someone repair or replace it will be what we have to do, but it takes moolah to do that so maybe sometime in the next 5 years we will beable to do something to it.
Along with the long lists of chores and todo went along with the Memorial Day weekend and that meant a lot of drinking and emotional nights for me, combined with awful mornings and my husband now giving me the silent treatment for the drinking. I can understand his feelings of anger, resentment and fear since two years ago to the day I was admitted to a detox facility because I could no longer manage life at all, every waking hour I was drinking and living in blackouts for weeks on end. He ended having to call his parents and have them come up to help with the house and kids while I sat in the hospital being diagnosed as Bipolar and being called a self-medicating maintance alcoholic. I was one of the lucky few though to beable to leave after only 3 days and since the health insurance we had then didn’t pay for any other treatment other than a detox facility, I was able to go home and for the next year and a half I took my meds and live my life. Since the beginning of the year though, we lost are insurance and with that went my ability to get the medications so I turned back into the self-medicating alcoholic, except I haven’t progressed yet into drinking all day and night.
I didn’t drink yesterday or last night and woke up at three this morning, tossed and turned until about seven. I do enjoy mornings that I don’t drink the night before, my brain and body are able to function atleast until about 2 when my brain, mind and feelings crash; when my bipolar really starts to kick in but like I’ve said before the night time is worst because then my mind doesn’t stop and it’s frustrating and actually a little frightening to think 5 thoughts at one time.
I wish my hubby would do some research and learn about Bipolar Disorder or even just alcoholism, then maybe he wouldn’t feel so damn hurt about how I am or what I do and then he would know that neither of these things have to do with who he is or what he does. Then maybe he might understand.