I’m feeling somewhat better, actually a lot better than I was this morning. I don’t understand my emotions right now and quite honestly I am not used to them. I’ve always been a take it or leave it gal when it comes to emotions. Sure I get frustrated and angry, upset and depressed but lately it’s been an agonizing feat each day to deal with emotions. I can not remember any moments in my life where I just sat down and cried, like I did today. And it’s been awhile since the last time I thought about having to live life like this for the rest of my life. I’m exhausted from all this feeling, I really do feel as though I could sleep for the next 7 days but alas, I have young children and I guess that’s what makes me force myself into a smile or force me to get on with the feelings; get over it already! So I guess I have to move on and face the fact that for right now, life has to be hard for me. I mean who ever said being bipolar was going to be easy and especially when you add it with a lot of alcoholism and addiction.
I’m trying to concentrate on the fact that I am going to be doing something to better my life, taking the distant learning classes. I’m hoping that when my youngest gets into kindergarten, I can transfer my credits to Frederick Community College so I can actually go somewhere, get out of the neighborhood and around people my age with my interests. I’m 34 and my youngest neighbors are in their 40’s. Although I know I am close to 40, I also know that none of them have the same interests or concerns as me. Just nothing in common. Now I’m thinking I should maybe conform just so I don’t have to be lonely but I’ve never been one to conform to anything I don’t like or have an interest in. I don’t know what to do, loneliness is getting to me. I need to have more of a conversation each day then about Spongebob, which Spongebob is awesome but well I wouldn’t mind discussing Anderson Cooper’s special from 360 tonight about the rise in marijuana potency or about how the airlines are yet again raising baggage prices or how about 13 stepping, that subject I have a lot of thoughts on. I know most ‘normal’ people wouldn’t know about 13 stepping but well I could explain it to them.
Anyway, loneliness is getting to me which is making me emotional which means my inlaws were right when we were buying the house and they said, “you’re going to be out there, don’t you think you’re going to get lonely or stir crazy?”