A Thousand Times Black

I haven’t been on any medication since probably January of this year and I just can not understand how someone with bipolar can do this without it.  Everyday is a major challenge for me, just wanting to get out of bed somedays seems like work, making coffee seems like work, most days food is very undesirable, and nothing gets done.  My brain knows only tangents now and most of the time doesn’t even finish with one tangent before the next starts.  And then the lows are so low that my legs hurt just to stand and my head feels like a thousand pounds and all that runs through it is;  when will this stop, do I have to live like this for the rest of my life?  I have to say that to live this way isn’t living, it’s existing.  The weather plays a roll in it also, today is raining yet again and while it’s great for my plants and the earth it seems to put a lull into my brain and body that I won’t beable to shake all day.  It makes me want to sleep or atleast crawl into bed, toss and turn because sleep doesn’t actually seem like an option anymore.  Once I lay down then my whole body hurts, screams out to move but my brain no longer can think or react.  Although I don’t think this is the black abyss I have spent a lifetime living in, I feel as though I am getting many steps closer. 

I think the final step to that abyss would be to turn to self medicating everyday again.  A note on that would be that while drinking calms it, it also makes the thought of life more undesirable and makes my body and brain hurt more.  I tried to have some beer last night, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I haven’t decided which yet) it made me sick after a half of a beer.  Who would’ve thought that the great drunk that I am can no longer drink?  I’m sure I’ll still push that limit and get back into the swing of killing myself slowly with alcohol again.  Sigh.

See what kind of life can this possibly be?  for me? for my husband? for my children?  I would say friends also but they are non-existant at this point.  Is loneliness a factor of being bipolar or alcoholic or both? Does it even matter at this point?  I need to turn my thoughts around somehow today.  I’m going to go pace and think.

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