Damn it all! I had a post I was just working on and for some unknown reason my computer decided it wasn’t impressed with it so it closed and well there went all my work. I’m going to have to save my posts every once and a while so I don’t lose all of my work. Anyway now that I gave you that useless imformation and took 20 seconds out of your life to read, I’ll start again to talk about my subject for this morning…
Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
I started trying to get sober about 5 years ago and back then I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar so I was mainly manic back then, very few depressing days. Life seemed great and I was enjoying my relationship with my husband and daughter. I seemed to enjoy everyday that I went through sober, I seemed to be happy and life wasn’t such a chaotic mess. My manic episodes didn’t seem like a big deal, I just thought it was great that I had all that energy and loved the fact that I was getting all my tasks and todo’s done…I was super mom and I was in love with I was becoming. I really felt as though I was grasping happiness and each day I was trying to create happiness in my life and relationships.
But then I went on a trip to Jamaica. “Honey, drinking doesn’t count when out of the USA” to that we would laugh. I did pretty well. I had a fabulous time and I was careful to not get sloppy drunk in front of everybody that went with us. I didn’t want to embarress him in front of his employers and co-workers, so I hid most of my heavy drinking, saved it for when we were back at our suite and my we were alone. Back then I thought I was happy, I thought that it was easy to create lasting happiness and a thrill for a sober life. When we got back from Jamaica, I promptly quit drinking and went on about creating something wonderful in my life. Then it got boring and trying to create even a smile became hard. I was now no longer able to leave home because panic started to rule my life. The panic attacks and anxiety became too much to bare and I thought the only way to get back that happiness was to walk to the liquor store and buy a bottle of vodka and an 18 pack of beer. Funny how I couldn’t go to the grocery store or wanted to converse with anyone but I never went through a panic attack when it came to buying alcohol and I was all smiles when I left the store.
I stopped trying. I stopped getting knowledge on my alcoholism. I just drank, that’s all I knew how to do at that time. The alcohol made me feel as though I was comfortable in my own skin and mind, the panic in my life no longer ruled me because I wasn’t dealing with actual life, I was now I didn’t care for actual happiness and I fooled my brain into thinking drinking did make me happy and you know for a time each day and night I felt happy, I enjoyed the first buzz of the day. I felt so free when it came to myself and alcohol was doing that for me, or so I fooled myself into thinking that.
Everyday was beginning to be a struggle to do anything other than drink, everyday I felt I had to finish all my alcohol and that’s also when I started the hiding and hoarding of it. Doing that took away what was to be the last of my smiles for a long time. I no longer knew I wasn’t happy or wasn’t smiling each day, all I knew was I had to drink and I had to make sure no one found out about how far I went into my addiction.
So now I have almost 19 months sober and something feels unique as out this time around. I feel as though I am stronger in my life and know that each day I stay sober than my life is easier to deal with on fair terms. Although sometimes my manic episodes and depression episodes rule my life, I know that the sensation to drink shouldn’t be fed because then the smiles that I have become acustomed to won’t no longer be there.
Oh ya…I’m not able to check spelling or add tags. I’m not sure what that is about.