Good almost afternoon. I woke up pretty late today so I’m just sitting down to a cup of joe real quick.
Last night I had this vision as I was sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette, after the kids are finally asleep and before my husband gets home. A vision of myself with a dry martini in my hand. But what wasn’t in the vision was the bottles and cans hidden around the house and the stumbling woman whom lives on the corner walking up the street. The vision are always the before the horrible scenes, tough words, grumbling good mornings. There before the waking up after two weeks of a black out and looking around at your surroundings wondering what the hell just happened, you swore it was August 8th just yesterday. The visions are always of chill, happy drinking moments and that’s just all the vision is of…a moment, a moment of drinking. My mind and heart know that the moment of drinking leads to years of ‘moments’ of drinking. But the thought of these moments can bring forth the saliva of wanting that taste, just that one taste. My mind knows that when I say just one taste, I’m lying. So last night I let the moment pass, finished my cigarette and sighed. It wasn’t a painful moment but a slight wanting. This morning I sit here and think about how it will rain all weekend which could be a blessing since this time the slight wanting has lasted into the next day and the planning has begun in my mind, about how easy it would be to get it and how wonderful the sweet ambrosia would be after I have a day of accomplished work. But it’s my job to pop the thoughts, pop them like a blade of grass with a soap bubble. Sometimes it’s easy to pop these mindless thoughts, other times it takes a full day of work to do it. I do know that today I won’t be buying any alcohol and absolutely won’t be drinking it. I hope that today just one person can realize the poisonous thoughts don’t have to be acted upon, that they only last for a moment and although the moment can be uncomfortable those feelings leave along with the thoughts.