I Need to Step It Up

This time of the year brings forth hope and thoughts of renewal of the coming year with many people {the normal people, the nonalcoholics}, for me though I start to think of the cold, the acts of drunkeness I committed every year at this time. 

Im not a big holiday fan, well except for Halloween.  The holidays also make me think of my mother and father, how they both differ so much this time of year.  My Dad with his giveness, my mother with her selfishness.  I actually stress over what I could possibly give her that she would actually be happy about and not a pfft and roll of her eyes.  One year I thought it a great idea to make my parents and inlaws a scrapbook of the pictures of the kids.  I painstakingly made these scrapbooks, tried to make everything so perfect, maybe too perfect.  My mother inlaw cried, a happy cry; my mother rolled her eyes and was visibly upset I hadn’t spent a loadful of money on her.  What she didn’t know was that I had, it cost an arm and a leg to make those books.  My inlaws have theirs on a family room table for all to finger through when they visit.  I have never again seen  the one for my mother, I wonder often if she threw it away.

To be like my mother has caused me great sadness and anxiety.  My mother is also bipolar {possibly schizophrenic, both my Dad and I think} and of course supposely genetics play a roll.  Well damn it, I’m bipolar.  I often wished when I was younger that I was either adopted or genetics would skip me, I just couldn’t handle being like her.  Drinking often let me slid my thoughts away from anything that caused me anxiety, I couldn’t be like her if I was drunk and HAPPY all the time.  I don’t think my mother has ever known a day of happiness, “She has been dealt a hard sad life, sweetie,”  my Dad says often.  In my mind though I think, ‘no Dad, YOU have been.’  Now getting sober once again makes me exam all I do, anything that makes me think of my mom makes me go into a sweat and I think I have to hide that part of me, anything even a way I fold my hands.  I look like her and often look in the mirror and hate the reflection I see.  I wished my looks were more my Dads, I have his hands and feet, budgy.  I also share his desire for knowledge and feelings of shame for myself.  I will never beable to live up to my own expectations.

We’re all alcoholics, everyone in my family, my Dad’s side and mothers side.  So of course I am also.  Am I because of genetics or because of the fact I learned this was how it should be, this was how you dealt with life on life’s terms?  I believe most likely both.  I learned how to bring forth the genetic side and drink myself to death or close to it.

I’m sober now and have worked the first 2 steps regularly, everyday.  I will sometime {soon, I hope} beable to confront myself on why I hold back from step 3.  I just am not able to get there though.  Does that mean I don’t want this sober life?  Does it mean that I am in a holding pattern for my next drunk?  I think I need a sponser and a head shrinker.

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One thought on “I Need to Step It Up

  1. Yo Bats…

    I found in very early sobriety, that I often worried about where I was at and what is ahead.

    Part of recovery for me was letting go of over-thinking things and just letting things unfold. It was a complete paradigm shift for me because all I ever trusted was my brain. I had no genuine faith in a power other than myself.

    When I finally took the leap of faith and stopped doing things the way I always had, and tried something new and frightening (ie… doing a genuine third step), I was blown away that life could unfold favourably without me figuring it all out.

    This to me was true surrender. And coming from a self-reliant person like I had been most of my life, this is a big statement.

    So I can relate to your reluctance to plunging into a step 3. It really requires giving up the old ways. But frankly, my old ways were driving me nuts. Right into the shrink’s office and the psych ward… twice.

    I have not been back to the psych ward since I took a genuine step 3 a couple years ago and then made efforts to take it again if need be.

    It worked for me…. and many others.

    Ciao. Chaz

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