I have 5 months sober today! YAY!

Good Frosty Morning!   A want, no need a simple day right now and thank you so much for Simple Saturday’s in my world.  Today I want to mention I am just about 5 months into another sober stunt, and I wouldn’t have been able to stay sober this long without the love and confidence my daughter gives me.  Yesterday after a fabulous dinner that my husband was able to stay home to have with us, she turned to us and said,  “Did you smoke today?”  We each replied with no and took our pats on our backs from her.  While I was doing the dishes and everyone was off digesting their food, which means waiting for Mom to come up with desert, I thought about the question she asked me and once again she surprised me with her knowledge, understanding, and compassion about situations with addiction.  Look at the question again, she didn’t ask “have you smoked, or are going to smoke, have you quit for good?”  She asked, Did you smoke TODAY?  It floored me when I realized just how much she has been listening to me about addictions, she knows that we only live for One Day At A Time, atleast in that respect. 

I wish I could be as intelligent as my 8 year old daughter is.  I wish more people could be as intelligent and compassionate as my 8 year old daughter.  Man, I love that girl.

Well since Willowbatel ( ) has so many questions that “my avid readers” want answers to then I am going to make it my Friday post this week.

 Is your husband still working?

Yes, yes he is.  We are coming into winter here which means sales slow down tremendously.  Normally we live off our savings throughout the winter but this year, there are no savings so we are just buying time before the bank decides when they want to foreclose.  It seems bill collectors don’t believe you when you say you have no money…”oh well borrow it!”  more than one has suggested this, yesterday I responded to this with…”hey Tonya, can I borrow some money?”  She didn’t find it as humorous as I did.  Apparently this is no joking matter and I responded, “how would you like me to deal with the matter then, Tonya?  You guys call me 5 times every night between 6pm and 8pm, so after explaining to your all night after night that I HAVE NO MONEY, I’ve decided that the calls are in fact humorous.”  and ended the call with “speak with you tomorrow Tonya.”  Alright first off, I KNOW it’s not a laughing matter but this far into it I have to do something other than cry and have hissy fits.  I DO NOT want my kids to know how bad it is especially with Santa Claus coming is right around the corner.

 Did you finally quit smoking?

Well at the moment I am chewing on a nice stick of nicotine flavored gum.  It turns out when you don’t have any money to buy them, then well you don’t have any money to buy them, hence you don’t smoke. 

Did your phone solicitor job go anywhere after that first paycheck?

Ahhhhhhhhhh the scam of a lifetime.  Ya it went somewhere…a complaint to Consumer Affairs, The Better Business Bureau, and The Wage and Labor Board.  I ended up being paid a grand total of $74 for 80 hours of work.  That sucked and when I had gotten the job I was so excited that I would finally have some money coming in but apparently my time is worth not even a whole dollar an hour.  Blah.  So now I’m still looking, and pretty much that’s what everyone in my community is doing.  We are all bankrupt including the Town.

Your avid readers want to know. (wow you’re really going to hate me for writing that)

Nah, I don’t hate you.  It’s great for the head to know you have avid readers.

So let’s see what’s new?  Hmmmmmmmmmm  We have a leaking water line that’s going to cost us about $2000 to fix, so I decided that this was something we should use our emergency credit card for.  Well it turns out that Credit Card company decided we were too much of a liability and snagged our credit from us, we have had this credit card for 9 years!  So the water line will continue to leak, we’ll continue getting huge water bills and not be able to pay them, so they’ll turn our water off.  Pretty much that’s all that is new, financial crap that haunts our every hour.  I so can not wait for 2010, because it definitely has to be better than 2009!

Sorry everyone for my MIA lately.  I don’t want to give an excuse for that, I’m trying to stop making so many excuse in my life and just settle for what it is.  I didn’t blog, as simple as that and it’s inexcusable when you have a blog of this caliber.  So pretty I’m sorry and lets move on.  I do have to thank all of you who checked here daily and sent me healthy vibes to help me get through this okay.

My life is in shambles;  what else is new, right?  I had heard a rumor that we are coming out of the recession…who started such a stupid rumor?  The economy has beat us down.  I have a total of $166 and our second mortgage wants 81 of that.  Ummmmmmmm ya right.  I have no clue how we are going to make it through the winter, hell I don’t know how we are going to make it through another month.  So whomever decided to pass around such a stupid rumor about our lives financially, well shut up!

So I am just about out of medication again, no health insurance again, which means soon I’ll be having an emotional breakdown.  I’m not looking forward to it.  It’s fall, it’s cold, I’m grumpy, and I want a damn beer, a shot of vodka or two, and a pack of cigarettes!  Now damn it, NOW!

I wish I could just sleep everything away.

As you can see and I’m sure you knew anyway, I’m okay even though I had to go to that party.  Way too much alcohol!  I didn’t drink but I can tell you that about 30 times that day I almost did.  It’s uncomfortable being the sober person, the only sober person at a function.  I made sure we left though before all the young women got naked and the men embarressed themselves.  I did have a major panic episode that night before going to bed thinking who was driving all those kids home, oh jesus h christ on a candle stick!  My husband had one beer and I had a major caffiene buzz from the party.  Am I glad I went?  No.  Do I want to do it again? No.  But alas there is a Christmas party coming up.  Blah.  How ever I did enjoy the part where they give away prizes,   and this year they included all the kids and they had their own name drawing and at first we were all thinking this is a terrible idea because there were 10 prizes but 12 kids but somehow it ended up being 10 kids but the best part was my hubby winning the grand prizes of a fabulous amount of money!!!  Phew that means the mortgage can get paid, relief there on that avenue.

So all in all not really my cup of tea but I lived through it with minimal amount of pain.

Well tomorrow is the ‘company party’ and pretty much I am in my crunch mode and well pretty much fucking losing it.  I am still trying to figure out a way to not go and the only thing I can come up with is being run over by a UPS truck but then I think that’s not fair to the driver.  I have spent this whole week shaking inside and now the shaking has turned into a constant tremble that won’t go away no matter what I do.  I have barely slept, am grumpy as hell, and just want need silence to try and compose myself but that’s not happening anytime soon.  I do understand my hubby’s feelings but I am so frustrated that he won’t look at it from my point of view and see what kind of hell this is putting me through.  I need to go pace and try to breathe.

“but hun, I’m giving you 10 days notice on this!”  my husband said when he called me on the 10th to let me know about ‘the company picnic’ that I am supposedly required to attend with him and the kids.  GASP!  That’s THIS Sunday!  The panic and anxiety about this are consuming my every hour of every day, yup including sleeping hours.  What the hell am I going to do?  Hmmmmmmmmmm I could get sick really quick, no that won’t work, I am required to go.  This is probably the only thing about me that annoys the hell out of my husband, not wanting to socialize, not wanting to be around people for that many hours at a time.  I can handle anyone for 30 minutes but for 6 hours and 60 people?!?  and sober at that!

He and the owner of the company have decided to bribe me with cash, “you are guaranteed $100 at one of the games.”  I hate to say this but I’d rather NOT have the $100.

Good Morning everyone. We all know what today is and what it means. Every morning on September 11th, I take some time to release emotions about what happened back on this day…eight years ago. Every year the emotions and feelings change. This year it’s sadness, heartbreak, fear, and just plain ole pissed off. I remember where I was and I remember exactly what I was doing the morning of September 11th, 2001, feeding my 6 month old baby daughter and watching the news as I did every morning. On September 12th, 2001 I changed that habit and no longer watched the news in the morning. How did you all react? What were you doing? Didn’t it change how your heart beats for the American country? And when you drive past an American flag, doesn’t your heart skip a beat now? Mine does.

Please take a moment and feel what you need to, cry if need be, punch a pillow, scream out loud and hug your loved ones or hug yourself. This first video pulled me in not because of the visual aspect of the video, though it is great but because of the sound, the unbelievable noise and emotions the shooter of the video went through. You’ll notice it too as she slowly opens her window to hear more or better and then when she closes the window because of fear of the ash and smoke that rushed towards her windows from what was once known as The World Trade Centers.

And this video well, it speaks for itself. Please take a moment to remember, today smile at a stranger and love those around you, let us band together just for today as we do every year on this day and love America. I’m proud to be an American.

Also this link will take you to a fabulous post here on WordPress.com about this day, please check it out and leave a word of thanks to the author of it~~~>>> 9/11 Declassified

Today is yet another Stop Smoking Day, I decided on this day back when I bought that pack of cigarettes, I’d link you to that post but ummmmmmmmm well this morning I’m in a bad mood and feel like doing no work, none at all.  I don’t want to quit smoking, damn it!  Oh well I’ll get over it I guess, sooner or later most likely the latter of the two.

Okay so right now I’m already starting the physical withdrawal and my symptoms include:  sweating, hard time sitting still, and my brain seems boggled.  What is it, 72 hours and nicotine is completely out of the system?  So pretty much this gets worst, MUCH MORE WORST!

And on to other completely useless news…

I received my first paycheck.  Oh and you’re going to love this!  $14.50 for a total of 2 hours work, ummmmmmmmmm I worked many more hours than that, much more, many, many more, lots more.  After Uncle Sam took his cut, I got $13.29.  Ya that’ll keep us out of foreclosure.  My hubby and I talked about it and I’m going to complete 2 more weeks of work and see if my commissions are on the next check, that’ll be the 18th and if they aren’t I’ll be telling them where they can keep their $13 check.

Oh my FIL called me on Friday (I think) and he is putting me in touch with a gentleman whom needs people to write up advertising ideas for him.  I’m jumping in my boots waiting for this guy to call me or email me, now that sounds like a few dollars more than $14.  Maybe today he’ll call.

I have to get up and move so I’m working on writing a piece that explains a little more of some of my fears, anxieties and panic.  Soon on that one.

Happy Blogging Everyone!

Oh today is a fabulous day! I have killed all of my daughters fish. Sigh.