Saturday I went down to help my Dad out with a horrible chore.  He’s not able to drive right now, who knows when he’ll be able to or if he’ll be able to but anyway…his dog that he had for 19 & 1/2 years died last month right before Thanksgiving.  The vet sent her to a company to have her cremated and that company was suppose to mail the remains to my Dad.  Well they mailed it to the wrong address but just admitted it to him last week so my hubby drove him out to the house which is also the house he had but was foreclosed on.  We were hoping someone was home and could tell us what happened to the package or better yet had the package and this whole thing could be solved.  While he was getting ready to leave I saw the amount of medications he is taking and asked him, “Do you take all of those everyday?”  He explained to me what was for morning, afternoon and night.  I then asked him, “Is medicare taking care of that huge cost each month?”  No they aren’t, my Dad has to pay out of pocket for the medications, which by the way are medications that are keeping him alive.  My Dad, a Vietnam Veteran, a man whom has worked so hard in life to just have what he has, is now paying money out of his own pocket so he can stay alive, so he can see his grandchildren turn another year older.  There is no help through the government because he’s 62 and supposedly that’s too old to save his life.  Well it’s not too old to me, I’d like to see him turn 70 or 72 before they give up on him.  Hell I’d like them not give up on him!  Anyway, when they got back from going out to the house, I went out to find out what happened so I could prepare for the coming tornado of my mom’s emotions if this didn’t go the way she wanted.  He was drinking a beer.  Ummmmmm Dad?!  His response to me was, “I’m dying sweetie.”  An awkward silence made the whole world stop for a second, I didn’t hear one noise right after he said that.  I didn’t breathe for that second, I’m not even sure my own heart was beating during that time.  I have never heard such a quiet silence in my life, never.  “Well that was an awkward silence,”  I said but then corrected myself and said, “No, an awkward conversation.”  This is true alcoholism…he believes he’s dying so there it is…the rock bottom, death.

I need to ready myself for this truth, this quiet truth.

Good Morning my Dearest Readers.  After a lot of thought, pacing, and research, I have made my decision on adding a donation button to The She Chronicles.  But first, I would like to thank everyone whom participated in voting and all the comments that you made.  Without the readers of this blog, this blog wouldn’t still be here 1 year after I started it, so THANK YOU SO MUCH.

My decision is that I won’t be adding the button.  The main reason is after looking at our bank accounts, there is absolutely no way we can save this house…the bank has all the power now and there is no way I could raise enough money to be able to catch up, fix the leaking pipe, and get rid of the termites.  We should receive our foreclosure papers within the next three days and I would need to give my mortgage company in excess of $4000 for them to stop the process.  And before someone says be optimistic, miracles do happen…well, it’s just not possible.  They will foreclose, period.  So that’s that. 

I’m tired and I need to clean the house because my in-laws are coming tomorrow.

Yesterday I found a comment on my blog about an idea of a PayPal Donation Button to help save my house.  I’ve paced and thought about this ever since I read the comment.  I’m just not sure about it; I mean I know how the donation button works and how to put it on this blog but I’m just now sure if a.) it’s an appropriate thing to do and b.) if I have the readership for the button to be of any use which brings me to c.) if no one responded to it then it could devastate me, I mean I am bipolar and an alcoholic so my brain doesn’t process rejection well.  But then I come to what else can I do?  Why not try it?  If it turns out to be an unappropriate thing and brings me hate mail then I know how to delete it.  I need to hear from my readers on this, please complete the poll or leave comments to let me know what you think about it {whether good or bad}, use an anonymous name if need be,  a simple yes or no, or a long drawn out comment; anything is fine as long as I can get the jist of how my readers would feel about this.

These fabulous critters are eating my house.  It’s ironic really.  When I was 19 I got a job at a company called Senate Termite Control, at that time I lived and worked in VA. later on I moved to the MD office and worked there right up until about a month before I had my daughter.  These damn critters seem to be following me.  I have a huge respect for them, the way they are, how the colony works and how much damage they can cause to a person’s life and house.  I’ve seen damage that you would not believe, just from these insects that look like little pieces of white rice.  It’s also symbolic though, something so small has more control over my house then I do.  They now fester my brain because I have no clue of how I am going to pay for the chemical so my hubby can treat the house.  That’s one positive out of this, that my hubby is working there now again so he’ll just take care of this problem.  I wouldn’t trust any other person to treat this problem and get rid of it for us.  I still haven’t got the money together for the leaking water pipe and we are now officially two months behind in our mortgage which means foreclosure papers will arrive sometime around Christmas and that process will now begin. 

 It seems the only “Change” I’ll be getting out of the Obama stimulus package is a change in housing.  But ho-hum right?  I am so sick and tired of the back and forth arguments in our political system and just wish that they would figure out what they ‘think’ is best for us.  HA!  I want to go back to the time before 9/11 or actually I want to go back to 9/12/2001, because for just a small amount of time we actually cared about one another in this great nation, we cared when a neighbor was hurt, we cared enough to hold doors open for each other, hell we even cared enough to share the road in an appropriate manner. 

But that’s not what this post is suppose to be about.  It’s about the fact that I have no control over my life, what so ever.  It just seems to have taken on a life of its own and it’s now out of my hands, something else is steering the course and I can’t figure out how to stop it or gain control to slow it down enough so I can jump off.

Last night I sat right where I am right now this minute with a bottle of Crown Royal in my hands, the top was on.  I just couldn’t bring myself to take the top off and take that long swig that I so wanted.  I imagined the warmth of the whiskey while I would swallow it and the buzzing effect that my brain would feel and then my brain shutting down only concentrating on another swig and another.  But I put it back in the bar knowing that there isn’t enough alcohol in this house to satisfy the craving I have.  It would take a whole liquor store to turn my brain and feelings into rocks.  Instead I went to bed but didn’t sleep just stared at the ceiling fan that wasn’t on because we can’t afford to run it right now.

I need control over my life, I need to get it back.  I have to go pace.

Sometime along the way it became okay to argue with a 4-year-old.

Four year old: I’m going to find my froggy.
Me: Froggy is hibernating dear.
Four year old: What are you talking about Mom?
Me: Hibernating is when froggy’s go underneath the ground to sleep through the winter. They don’t like to be cold.
Four year old: Yes they do.
Me: No they don’t.
Four year old: Yes they do.
Me: Sigh…
Four year old: I am going to dig my froggy up.
Me: No sweetie they are wayyyyyy under the ground where you can’t dig for them.
Four year old: Yes I can.
Me: No you can’t
Four year old: Yes I can.
Me: Sigh… 

It’s snowing so my whole day will consist of arguments between my four-year old about who knows what and my eight year old about having nothing to do. I’m not a big snow freak and neither one of my kids are either. My son was conceived in Jamaica so well you can see there that cold just wasn’t forecasted in his dreams. And my daughter seems to be having a bad day about 90% of the time right now so coldness would just ruin everything to her. All of the mothers at the bus stop yesterday were telling all of the kids that it was going to snow today and my daughter says, “Ya but we don’t have school on that day.” Heehee she is just like me sometimes. I don’t know how long it’s going to snow or how much, I’m just hoping I don’t have to shovel. But alas this is Saturday so let me get on with the gratitude about the day which is becoming harder and harder to see or find.
  

Heat, warmth are always heart-felt when it is so cold outside. I know I am lucky to have it.
Books are wonderful for days like this.
Cups of Joe make my morning worthwhile.
Chili left over in the fridge make lunch tasteful and EASY.
Hot water to take the chill out of my body after the snow steals it from me. 

So right now I will hum “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.” Just so I can enjoy all of those things because without snow I wouldn’t have realized had them to be grateful for.

This friday I wanted to do something a little different.  Yes a little different from loosing my marbles.  I want to give a few shout outs to some of my favorite blog and I hope you find them as satisfying as I do!

I Want Ice Water  This first one here is my favorite of all the blogs I visit on a day-to-day basis.  Mak is the blog owner and he writes about everything under the sun, moon and stars and he does it in a very passionate way.  He takes pride in his blog and he is a great conversationalist so be sure to leave him a comment.  I don’t have a favorite post on his blog because the whole thing is not only interesting but completely thought-provoking, it can make you stop in your tracks for a few minutes and really think about humanity but it can also bring laughter to your day.  Seriously GREAT BLOG, go check it out.

…salted lithium Ah what can I say about Gabriel’s blog? Gabriel has an uncanny way of writing. He’s another passionate writer and takes great pride in his blog. He has feelings and it really shows through his writing. If you leave him a comment, he always gets back to you and makes you feel welcomed into his life. He cares about everything and everybody but sometimes forgets to care for himself. He reminds me of a great hug when your heart hurts. Be sure to stop in and share your feelings with him, trust me when I say you won’t be sorry that you did.

raincoaster Okay you need to check this blog out because it makes me laugh my butt off all of the time! raincoaster is also a huge help in the forums and I am talking HUGE. You never know you may learn something while you are laughing so hard you pee your pants.

Matt Of course I can not forget to mention The Founder of Automatic which runs wordpress.com our wonderful blogging community. He takes fabulous pictures! He also has a main blog, Ma.tt which he writes in occasionally and his confidence at times can be contagious.

And now as for serious alcoholic blogs and I am talking sometimes heartbreaking, I visit two on a daily basis. The first one; AAnohelp is a husbands daily account of his life with an alcoholic wife while raising their two wonderful kids. It’s raw and honest, something that helps keep me sober just one more night sometimes. Then there is; Iamanalcoholic which is another daily account of an alcoholic except it’s from the alcoholics point of view but none the less heartbreaking and raw, the same as the first one.

I am trying to find blogs about women alcoholics but haven’t come across any that aren’t old and unused, that they don’t write in any longer. So if you have any suggestions please let me know!

So that’s my Friday post, just a little shouting out and let you know what I think is interesting. I hope you enjoy these blogs as much as I do. Happy Blogging Everybody!

For the moment imagine yourself as a parent of an 8-year-old girl.  She’s gorgeous, happy, carefree for the most part but still needs to hold your hand for confidence or safety.  Now imagine you let her go to a friend’s house, she’s been friends with this other 8-year-old girl since you moved into the neighborhood.  She’s tolerant of this friend and an unconditional friend to her.  Now imagine you show up at 5:45 pm to pick her up, to go home, enjoy dinner together, playing games and laughing.  But no one opens the door as you ring the doorbell again and again and again.  So you knock a regular knock at first, then more forceful and yet again very loudly.  Now imagine the thoughts you would have as a parent, as someone whom loves this little girl with your soul.  This is what happened to me last night.  Finally the door was opened by my daughter and her friend, no parent around, none, zippo, nada.  I can tell you what my thoughts were.  Something has happened, something terrible has happened, they aren’t answering the door because well maybe carbon monoxide poisoning, or they have left with my daughter and haven’t told me, maybe they had to rush her to the hospital, why are they not answering?!  When the door opened and my daughter looked at me, a moment of unbelievable relief escaped my mouth, I could breathe again.

I expect when my 8-year-old plays at a friend’s house, an adult will be in that home at all times.  When I let my daughter go to a friend’s house I am passing responsibility for her safety off to them for an hour or two, her safety damn it.  I don’t care if the parents look her way or not, as long as they are there to protect her safety.  I haven’t figured out what I am going to say to them when their daughter asks me if my daughter can play, because the answer is going to be NO, not happening.  I’m still fuming about this.  My daughter is irreplaceable to us and for someone (a parent at that) to risk her safety and life like that, is stupid and of course irresponsible.  She’s only 8 years old, dammit.

“I put a non-alcoholic drink in yours”  my Dad in-law whispered into my ear right before the Thanksgiving feast.  I wonder why this had to be whispered like a secret considering everyone there knows that I’m a drunk, it’s definitely not a rumor since the last Christmas we spent at their house they had a dinner party and I got sloshing drunk, passed out about 7pm, I had drunk at least a 12 pack in an hour.  Yes, absolutely sloppy drunk.  And since everyone in the family knows that my in-laws had to help my hubby out with the kids and the house while I had to sit in the detox unit and dry out a couple years ago.  But for some reason, whispering this seemed like the appropriate thing for him to do, so I smiled at him and said my thanks for looking out for me.  So now I wonder about being the whispered secret in the room.

Many times I walked past the bar and it seemed the Grey Goose vodka looked at me in a calling me out manner but I kept walking by ignoring the call.  Then I opened the fridge to find something and realized that they had a bottle of whiskey tucked down on the bottom self.  It called me the same way the vodka did but I closed the door and thought I should probably tell them that the whiskey belongs on the bar and the vodka in the fridge because no one likes cold whiskey but many enjoy cold vodka.  The fridge in the garage holds all the beer and trust me when I say there was so much of it in there that no one would notice a 12 pack missing.  With those thoughts I came to the conclusion for the 100th time in my life that I am an alcoholic, obsessive compulsive alcoholic, which in short terms means, a drunk.

I just wanted to let all of you know that I am so thankful that you are in my life.  I am thankful for all the days you have helped me to process what is happening in my days and definately so grateful for the suggestions that help me in my life each day.  Thank you for all the pats on the backs and the moments you spend here just to read, the time you take to read my life.  I am thankful to all of you that help make me comfortable here, for someone that isn’t always comfortable in their own skin, it’s huge to have such a safe place to come each day and know that what I might find here isn’t going to make me feel guilty or ugly in anyway.  Thank you for helping me see that I am good, not a horrible person.  Thank you to all the readers out there whom haven’t commented yet, but thank you for reading and doing it on a daily basis.  Just knowing you all are out there reading, helps me in a huge way to keep going with this blog.  Happy Thanksgiving to ALL of you!

Good Morning All! It’s raining and chilly here, hence it’s just about winter. Blah. I’ll be leaving early tomorrow morning, hoping to not sit in too much traffic. So I wanted to say Happy Turkey Day to everyone whom celebrates Thanksgiving. I also know that any holiday isn’t easy for alcoholics whether sober or still active in their drinking. Just a reminder that though AA meetings can be boring, or hard to step foot in for various reasons, there honestly isn’t an easier way to stay sober for an hour or hour and half and many meetings are held at this time of the year. Also if you have WFS in your area, I recommend any woman to go for a confidence building hour. about.com has loads of helpful information on how to survive holidays, click here for just a handful of links they provide.  Most importantly, if you don’t pick up a drink at all it makes it easier.  “One is too many and a thousand is never enough”, is one motto to keep in your head.  Also I can suggest from personal experience to jot down “I have a LIFE-THREATENING disease called alcoholism” (insert any addiction in there) and pull it our of your pocket for a great reminder that you really can’t drink, that drinking will kill you whether it’s today, tomorrow or next year; drinking will kill you.

Again I know that this time of the year is not easy but it is doable, we can get through this.  If you feel like you have to drink, please reconsider and look in your phonebook for a local chapter to AA.