Love is a religion.
— Countess Bats (@bats0711) April 7, 2013
Do you ever wish someone wondered what you were thinking? I do. I’m not thinking much but…just in case…
I’ve always just wanted someone to love me. I’ve always just wanted someone to wonder if I was okay, if my heart was okay.
I love so much.
Have you ever just wanted someones heart to feel just like yours?
So…
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are interesting. I’ve learned that I’m fucked up. I’ve learned that I’ll probably die drunk and I’ve learned that 4 out of 5 people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder think that everyone who won’t prescribe what they want can kiss their ass.
Personally, I’m the 1 out of 5. I just want someone to fix the chemical imbalance in my brain. I’d love a cure. I’d love a treatment with no side effects. I’d love to not want to die because I feel like a failure for being this way.
They keep telling me to pray and I keep screaming at THEIR higher power, “FUCK YOU! WHY AM I LIKE THIS?”
Sigh…
But then I have days where the anxiety isn’t there, I don’t have shaking in my body, my brain works fine, and I think that just maybe…just maybe I’m not Bipolar. I lie to myself about that. My disease of alcoholism takes over and tells me it can cure everything that is wrong.
And then I start all over again.
It’s called a vicious cycle. I’m the Countess of Vicious Cycles.
Everybody is so creative. I feel so lost in this creative world.
— Countess Bats (@bats0711) April 7, 2013
I’m having issues with sobriety, not that any of you would have any reason to think other than that.
I’ll also be honest and say, I’m a good person. I hate alcoholism. I hate addiction. I hate watching everyone go through it, including loved ones that have to deal with people like myself.
Honestly, people like myself die from their addictions. It’s a fact. I have to deal with that on a daily basis but yet I don’t do anything about it. I will die of active alcoholism.
You know what I want? I don’t want to cure MY alcoholism or mental illness, I want to touch someone else enough to help them stay sober or alive. To be honest, that’s all I want in life.
Just to help one person to stay alive…
If I didn’t have the past, I wouldn’t have the slightest clue of why I didn’t want to drink. Stay safe my friends who are still out there and thank you to the ones who bring me freedom with your experience, hope, and strength.
